


Chasm

by JellyfishPoetry



Series: The Closest Is An Infinitive Distance [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, Keith and Matt get to talk, M/M, Matt and Shiro also get to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellyfishPoetry/pseuds/JellyfishPoetry
Summary: Keith has spent months to search for Shiro but now that he's back, things refuse to go back to normal.Part I: Keith - Shiro is back and Keith should be happy, but things between them have changedPart 2: Matt - Matt talks to Keith after he almost sacrificed himself in battle(it's a little fill in the blanks for me before I venture far far away from the show's plot with the next story)





	1. Chapter 1

**I. Keith**

He was back. And just like the last time when Keith had first laid eyes on him, he barely recognized him. Shiro looked _different_. With gentle fingers he touched his face and wiped a long strand of his hair from his closed eyes, carefully feeling the reality of his presence. He’d never seen him with long hair before, let alone the hint of a beard. It kind of made him look like a dashing rebel, which was a thought made Keith smile. A _rebel_. Shiro, of all people.. Shiro, who lived for order and rules. Shiro, who’d went out of his way to perfectly organize his desk back at the Garrison. Keith let his fingertips wander feather light over his face with a fond smile.

Shiro mumbled in his sleep, but otherwise didn’t stir. Keith was powerless to suppress the urge to touch his lips with the tip of his index finger. Would it feel different to kiss Shiro with all those stubbles? He hoped to find out once Shiro woke up, but didn’t want to disturb his certainly well-needed rest after floating in space alone for days.  
Keith pulled his hand back and laid his head down on the pillow next to Shiro, burring his nose in his hair. His mind still felt kind of foggy, a remnant of the initial shock of Black finding Shiro, but his hands had finally stopped shaking and his heartbeat had gone back to a normal rhythm. The familiar scent did wonders to settle his nerves some more.  
Shiro was back.

This wasn’t one of his dreams where he would wake up feeling lost, lonely, and empty. This was _real_. And he was finally able to hold him in his arms again. For months now he’d been in this constant maelstrom of emotion, had constantly been on edge and ready to snap. It was his own personal horror. A horror he’d experienced once before, when Shiro had been declared dead after Kerberos. This time, though, he had refused to give up on finding him. He had refused to believe him dead. And he’d been right to do so.

“I’ve found you,” he murmured. Keith energy reserves had run out months ago and lying here like this made his eyelids feel heavy. After Shiro had vanished, Lance had made sure he rested and ate enough, but he’d grown tired of Keith’s constant grieving as Voltron grew more popular and he had more important this to do. They’d all grown kind of tired of his behaviour. Sure, they were sad Shiro was gone, but after some time, they’d been ready to move on. With Keith being able to pilot Black, they didn’t _need_ Shiro anymore. But Keith knew the truth.. and he needed Shiro just as much as the team. With Shiro, the team was like a well-functioning machine. Keith sighed. He’d never be able to glue them together like that.. he had been just a poor substitute.

But nothing of that mattered anymore.

The warmth of Shiro’s body slowly pulled at his mind, urging his body to rest. The only thing still keeping him up was the remaining hint of fear that none of this _was_ real and he’d just wake up alone and cold. But he was not alone anymore.  
Because Shiro was back.

And Keith finally allowed himself to rest.

 

***

A dream then, once again, he thought. It didn’t come as a shock or startle him into action.. There was no point, anyway, he was used to it.  
Something was different, though. His whole body felt heavy, a distant ache plaguing his joints. It had probably been there for a while, but Keith had refused to feel any weakness. Why his mind allowed him to feel it _now_ was beyond him.

“Morning.”

The voice washed over him like a bucket of cold water. _Shiro_. Not a dream, then.  
His heart started hammering rapidly against his rips, his eyes focused on the figure walking over from the far end of the room to sit down on the edge of the bed. It was unmistakably Shiro and Keith immediately yearned to close the remaining distance between them…

“Good morning,” he answered instead, slowly pushing himself into an upright position. He didn’t want to startle Shiro. “I... was kind of scared that… this had all been a dream...”

Shiro gave him a sad smile over his shoulder. “How long have you been looking for me?”

 _Because there was no doubt that he’d been looking for him._

“A few months.”

“Months…” Shiro repeated in a whisper. He had a faraway look in his face that made Keith’s chest ache. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what the Galra had put him through this time. Had he been forced to fight in the arena again? Had they experimented on him?

“I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner.” Keith shoulders sagged. They’d all been looking. But it had been Keith who had taken it up at _his_ mission, who hadn’t looked into the right direction.

“It’s not your fault, Keith.”

It felt like a lie. Keith swallowed down the bitter feeling as the tension building in his chest was starting to overwhelm him. Slowly, he crawled up behind Shiro. He wanted to hold him, put his arms around him and never ever let go again. But the way Shiro tensed against his hands quickly made him pull back and he settled to just sit close to him.

Shiro had been through a lot, had probably been tortured. Keith was silently berating himself for being too eager, for touching him without asking for permission. Shiro just sat quietly, not looking at him.

“I…” Keith pressed his eyes close at how shaky his voice sounded. He took a deep breath before he went on. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”

For Shiro, he’d always be patient.

 

***

Keith was tired. He slept better now that he knew Shiro was safely back with them, but he was still plagued by weird dreams. In those dreams, the black lion brought him to the place where they’d found Shiro, but the small ship floating there in the vastness of space was nothing but empty. Maybe it was his subconscious mind trying to tell him something, as emptiness was something he felt a lot, lately.

For months, his whole being had been narrowed down to finding Shiro, for things to go back to normal. But the reality of his return turned out different that he’d thought.

Keith had wanted to step back, to let Voltron be led by their chosen leader, but Black wouldn’t have none of it. It wasn’t that Keith didn’t want to be a part of Voltron, he just felt like he shouldn’t be the one to lead them. Shiro was _meant_ for this… which made him being forced into this position even more frustrating.

Especially because lately, nothing he did seemed to satisfy Shiro and it was even more prove that Keith just wasn’t the leader Shiro thought he was… He’d always been afraid to fail him and now every time he looked at him, he could see his that failure reflected in Shiro’s eyes. Keith was used to messing things up. But he had forgotten how much it hurt to disappoint someone dear…

“We need to talk, Keith.” There were alone in Shiro’s room tonight. Keith wasn’t surprised to hear those words, to see those sad eyes directed at him. It still felt unreal.

“What’s wrong?” he heard himself say mechanically. Since Shiro’s return he’d come to his room every day. There had always been a tension, the air thick with unspoken words. Keith had filled the silence with stories about Voltron, about what had happened after Shiro had been ripped from them.

He’d tried to close the gap between them, but every time he did, Shiro took a step back, away from him. It only showed how far his disappointment went. They needed to talk. Badly. But the tone in Shiro’s voice was something Keith recognised and it immediately had him on edge. It was the same tone social workers or foster families had used on him whenever they’d pushed him away.

Whenever he’d upset someone.

“Keith..” The way Shiro looked at him made Keith shiver. _No._ “This thing between us... it needs to stop.”

Keith’s breath jolted painfully in his chest. It made him feel as if he’d just jumped into a lake of ice cold water. Since Shiro’s return, nothing had happened between them… like the night before their battle against Zarkon had never actually happened. Keith knew something had been amiss, but he’d tried so convince himself that Shiro just needed time to adjust… that someday, they’d go back to where they’d been.

“Why?” He didn’t know where the air to form this one single word had even come from while he was still drowning.

Shiro took a deep breath and looked away from him. Keith wanted to reach out, to grab his shoulders and shake him. But all the energy had been drained by a single sentence from the man he’d thought his boyfriend.

“This battle isn’t over. Even though Zarkon is dead, Lotor is still out there and the Galra haven’t stopped enslaving people.”

“What does any of this have to do with us?” _This cannot be the true reason._

Shiro sighed. He kneaded the skin on his forehead with his fingers for a few long seconds before he started speaking again. “We can’t allow our feelings to interfere with our mission.”

“Interfere wi…- Shiro, this isn’t new. I’ve had feelings for you since before this has all started!” Keith was surprised at how quietly and controlled these words left his lips while in his mind, he was screaming.

“Keith…” Shiro sighed again, like he was talking to a petulant child. “After our night together we came too late for our final meeting before the battle. I was their _leader_ , I wasn’t supposed to be late. It could have endangered the mission.”

“It’s not like we were hours late. And we still won.” Keith voice started shaking, and it didn’t just stop there. His whole body was shaking. _This could not be happening. Not with Shiro_

“Keith.. I know it hurts. I need you to understand that I’m not doing this to hurt you. As long as we are involved in this war, being in a relationship is not wise.”

Keith tried to calm his breathing. _As long as we are involved in this war._ He pressed his eyes close, fighting back tears. He could do this. He could wait. He just needed something to cling to, something to give him _hope_. He’d waited for Shiro before. If this truly was the only reason why Shiro was breaking up with him, time was not his problem. _If_.

“What about after we defeat the Galra?”

Shiro blinked at him in confusion. “..What?”

“You said as long as we are at war, a relationship is not wise. What about when it’s over?” _Please_

Shiro just stared at him for a moment. “It could take _years_.”

“I don’t care.” _Just please don’t give up on this. On_ me. _You haven’t, before._

Shiro’s face softened into a smile. “Then.. yes.” The softness left almost as quickly as it had appeared. “But right _now_ , Voltron is our first priority. I need you to understand that. You’re the Black Paladin now, I need you to have a clear head.”

Keith nodded once. His head was far from clear right now, but Shiro didn’t need to know that. Keith just needed a way to make things right, so he forced a smile on his face that would hopefully convince Shiro that he was alright. As long as he was at Shiro’s side and they had a chance of a future, he was willing to do anything for him.

 

***

Keith had never be good at this friend-thing. He’d never been good at small talk because his life had been so different from other people’s life and he just didn’t know what to talk about. Thus, people had often been annoyed at him because his behaviour or what he said were somehow off-putting. It had happened frequently until Keith had stopped to care or to try. Voltron had been the exception from the rule but it didn’t take long before things returned back to normal and Keith was all alone.  
If he was honest with himself, he hadn’t put much effort into forming bonds with his team members, scared to be pushed away again. It had taken him some time to start trusting them. Of course, Shiro was not included in this line of thoughts. Shiro had been his friend and more, Shiro had been _safe_.  
As it turned out, once he started getting used to calling his team members _friends_ as well, safety meant nothing in his universe.  
Keith hated to disappoint any of them. It was hard to admit that it was his fault once again. He’d taken a calculated risk, had let Voltron down… the look of anger and betrayal in their faces should have made it easier for him, but in reality, it turned out to be quite the opposite.

Keith had always known he wasn’t the right person to lead Voltron, but he hadn’t dreamt he’d be so bad at it, either… There’d been a time when Shiro had trusted his judgement, his decisions.. but over the past few months Shiro had ruled over his words so often that Keith had felt like nothing he ever said mattered anymore. It was probably for the best. Keith just wasn’t meant to pilot the Black Lion and _everyone_ knew it. He saw it in their eyes whenever Shiro interrupted him while they were strategizing, heard it in their voices whenever he led them into a fight and Shiro had a different, _a better_ approach on it.

Without Shiro rooting for him, the rest of the team quickly saw him for who he was. And what they saw wasn’t worth their time.

Keith blinked up at the ceiling of his new room tiredly. At least as a Blade, he didn’t have to be well-versed in social conventions. They expected him to function as their agent, to do his job. Kolivan had taken it upon himself to train him and Keith was glad for the distraction. He could still do well and support Voltron’s cause, even if he wasn’t a part of their team any longer. Even though he had only discovered his Galra heritage recently, he still felt the strong urge of making this _right_. Zarkon, Lotor or whoever thought to rule this imperium needed to be stopped. With the Blade of Marmora he’d found a group of other Galra who shared the same sentiment. At least here, he fit in to some degree, even if he physically stood out like no one else.

He finally had he place where he belonged to. So why did he still feel so lost, then?

Keith closed his eyes with a sigh. His _friends_ had all said they’d miss him when they said their goodbyes, but Keith knew it wouldn’t take long for them to forget about him. He wasn’t a paladin anymore and they didn’t need him. They’d be in the Castle of Lions and he would be with the Blade of Marmora, far away from them. Not that him being at the Castle had made much of a difference. Keith had slowly started to become a ghost and the feeling had been suffocating him more and more. Every time he’d met one of the team he expected them to yell at him, to just tell him to leave them alone already. But they had been stuck with him as long as he had been the pilot of the Black Lion. Allura had tried to tell him that Voltron needed him more than the Blade, but he knew she was wrong. Voltron didn’t need him at all. Voltron didn’t even listen to him.

The moment Shiro was able to pilot the Black Lion again, Keith’s right to exist as a part of their team had ceased. He’d known the moment would come and he knew what he had to do. They’d be too polite to tell him to leave and he had no interest in staying. This wasn’t how he’d planned it to happen. When he first agreed to step back as Black’s pilot, he’d thought he could still be a useful part at Shiro’s side. But Shiro didn’t need him and their interaction had grown colder and more frustrating with each day.  
There were still glimpses of what they’d ones shared. Soothing words and gentle glances, a touch to his shoulder.. In the end, a hug. Keith had melted against Shiro that moment, pretending that the past few months hadn’t happened.

Keith pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes until white dots danced before them. Sooner or later, everyone would leave him. Not even his mother had cared to stick around apparently…

 _You’re her son and you’re amazing._

The memory of Shiro’s word brought a sour taste on his tongue. He surely must be amazing. His muscles tensed as anger flashed white-hot through his mind. But as always, it soon left him burned out and aching. He missed Shiro. He missed the team. But what was the point? They were too busy to care about him.

Even Red.

Red, who’d had saved him so many times. He’d thought their bond strong and leaving his lion for Black had felt wrong. Their bond had been strong… hadn’t it? Red had saved him countless times, had traveled long distances to get to him. But with Lance came a new paladin and Red never looked back at him. Keith couldn’t even keep a sentient robotic space lion as his.. well, friend. Maybe he’d only ever been desperate for a connection, had been latching onto every piece someone else had been willing to give. But in the end, he’d never been special. Not for Red. Not for Shiro. Not for the team. Or his parents.  
Good for nothing, that’s what one of his foster dads had called him. _A worthless piece of garbage._

At least Kolivan seemed to think otherwise. His mentoring was way different from Shiro’s, but to an extent, it was easier. Kolivan cared for his progress, nothing more. As a person, Keith didn't exist anymore. He had become one of hundreds faceless soldiers in the Blade’s fight against Zarkon’s empire. He could lose himself in it easily, in the purpose it gave him. When he was out on missions, it was easy to forget about the pain, about his friends, about Shiro. He could almost pretend like it didn’t hurt when he stood next to Kolivan calling the Castle of Lions.

Keith let out a shuddering breath. He would get used to it, with time. At least he was still a part of something important, something that mattered. Even if that didn’t happen to be Voltron.

 

***

Keith’s heart was racing, making his body burn with a bright hot energy. Or was it cold? Keith wasn’t able to tell anymore. He could feel the sweat tickling down on the back of his neck and his chest, while at the same time, his hands felt like they’d been in icy water for too long.

“Keith! What are you doing?!” Matt’s yell sounded through the com. Since Pidge had found him, he hadn’t had the chance to really talk to him. His face was painted by war, just as Shiro’s, that was all that Keith had come to know from the few times he’d been in view when Kolivan talked to the Voltron crew via video. A part of Keith wished he’d had the chance to just talk to him alone, to ask him how he’d been doing, how he’d settled in with Voltron. Another part of him was sad that he hadn’t been there when Pidge had found her brother. He would have given a lot to see happiness on her face, she deserved it. He hadn’t been there for a while now, though. He didn’t know what Voltron was doing these days, expect from what they discussed with Kolivan, and they didn’t know about his missions.

But Keith didn’t allow it to get to him. In a few moments, it wouldn’t matter anymore.

The light of several explosions reflected in his eyes. He knew it was pointless, just as Matt had said. They’d never penetrate those shields with their weapons, the Galra cruiser before them was too solid and Haggar was using her magic to protect it even further.  
No, they needed something bigger than weapons. What other option did they have? If they’d fail this mission, the rebels would probably survive, but Voltron? Voltron was too close to Naxzela. It would be shredded into pieces and with it, the hope to free the universe of the Galra reign. His friends would die.  
Shiro…

No matter where they stood as friends, Keith couldn’t endure the thought of losing him again – this time for good. And aside from any personal point of few, Shiro and the others were too important in this war. Keith couldn’t let it happen. His own role in his fight had been clear once he’d joined the Blade. His own life didn’t matter in comparison to the rest of the universe.  
If Voltron would die, the Galra would take over again and they’d be powerless to stop them. This was the last moment he had the power to do something, to stop the suffering, and to help Voltron. Not as a Paladin, but as a Blade.

Keith pushed forward, gaining speed. The shield was pulsing with purple light.

Would they grief him? Would something change for them once he was gone for good?

Faster, faster.. He needed to move or it would be too late!

They’d probably not feel that much of a difference. He hadn’t been with them for a while now and none of them had made it clear that he was being missed.

Their frantic breathing echoed in his ears, he could almost _feel_ their fear. They didn’t want to die.

His own shallow breathing made his head feel light. He stared at the ship, stared at the purple light, aiming for the shield.

”Keith! NO!”

Matt.

 _Faster_.

Keith wished he could say something to Matt, but he didn’t know what or how. His throat was closing up and his mind was going blank.

It would only be a few more moments before he’d die. Would it hurt? Would he even feel something at all? It should be over in less than a heartbeat. Which was a measurement for living people.

Keith felt sweat running down his neck again. He shivered. At least he could do this one thing that mattered in this fight. He could save them. He could save Shiro. He’d promised, right? As many times as it takes.

Keith pressed his eyes close.


	2. Matt

II. Matt

The breath left Matt’s lungs in a rush when Pidge flew into his arms right after he entered the Castle. He pressed her close, not caring that they were both sweaty and gross. They were alive, and that was all that mattered.

“I’m so glad you’re safe,” she mumbled against his shoulder.

“I’m glad _you’re_ safe.” Matt swallowed hard. Naxela had proven to be a death trap that had almost killed her. Voltron would have been history and the rebels probably wouldn’t have stand a chance against the Galra. It was a miracle they were alive, that they were still fighting against the creatures that had taken him from his family so long ago. Matt hadn’t dared to hope to ever see his sister again, but now here she was, safely in his arms – at least for the moment. 

“Who would have thought Lotor would save us,” Pidge said with a smile when she finally let go of him. Matt forced a smile on his face and rustled his hair. Yes, Lotor had been there to save them and not a second too late. But Matt had seen what was about to happen just before Lotor intervened and the images still sent a panicked shiver down his spine. A sensation that didn’t exactly fit into a room where all the paladins were chattering and hugging in relief. They all knew it had been a close call with only seconds between them and certain death. They just didn’t know what Keith had been willing to do to save them.  
Since he’d joined the Voltron crew, he hadn’t had the time to talk to Keith. They hadn’t been exactly close at the Garrison, but Matt considered him a friend and not just because he was the guy of Shiro’s dreams. Keith could come across as abrasive and cold, but Matt knew better. Keith had a heart of gold, he just didn’t know how to show it to strangers. Or he didn’t want to, Matt didn’t know which it was. He probably wouldn’t have cared to stick around and put in enough effort to get to know him, not without Shiro’s interest in the guy. 

Matt let go of Pidge when Hunk stepped closer to hug her. There were tears glinting in his eyes and Matt felt something warm bloom in his chest. Pidge had been without him for a while and she’s clearly been through a lot. He was glad she’d found some good friend that had taken care of her. The whole Voltron team felt more like a family than a bunch of friends. They were all they had in space and it showed on their faces how relieved and exhilarated they were about their triumph – which in this case was sole survival. Even Shiro, who often looked too serious for his liking was laughing as Lance and Allura hugged him. Matt whished he would have had more time to talk to him. Pidge had told him a lot about Voltron, but she couldn’t fill in the blanks about what had happened to _Shiro_. She hadn’t been with them when the Galra took them, hadn’t seen the fights in the arena… But Matt had been there and he was sure Shiro could use someone to talk about it just as much as he did. 

With a quiet hiss, the door opened again and Matt could see the Blade of Marmora entering the room. It was almost comical how Keith stood out between them. He was tiny compared to the other Blades, especially their leader… Keith had never been a big guy, but Matt had somehow thought he would still be growing. Turned out he’d been wrong.  
Matt smiled at him, but Keith didn’t look at him. He looked at no one, seeming to have caught an immense interest in the floor. Looked like escaping certain death didn’t seem to leave him excited or relieved at all.  
Matt frowned and took a tentative step towards him, but stopped when he caught sight of Shiro taking the same route. He didn’t want to step between them, especially because he had no idea where those two stood at the moment romance-wise. Keith had been there for Shiro right before the launch back on Earth and the scene had been heart breaking, Shiro had confided in him when they had been on their way to Kerberos. Well, not that it hadn’t been obvious to begin with. Shiro had been smitten with Keith and the way Keith used to look at him, he’d been, too. Was Shiro still tip-toeing around the topic or had they put good use to their time in space together? Matt swallowed as he thought about how Shiro would have been affected if Lotor hadn’t shown up. Shiro was his best friend, he’d been through a lot, and he didn’t deserve losing Keith like this… he sure must be relieved that they both were alive right now. 

So it really came to a surprise to Matt how their interaction turned out to be. He had expected them to hug, like he’d seen them several times in the past, but instead Shiro only laid his hand on Keith’s shoulder for a moment and said a few words Matt couldn’t make out. Keith nodded curtly but otherwise continued staring at the floor.  
What had happened? 

“Alright, we have a new situation to deal with,” Shiro announced loudly. “Kolivan, Allura, and Coran, meet me in the training room.”

“Hey, what about us?” Lance chimed in. 

“You’ll join us in a bit.” Shiro smiled at him. “Until then, you can celebrate.” With that, he left the room, Allura, Coran and Kolivan following behind.

“Come on, let’s chill in the lounge as long as we have the time.” Lance shrugged his shoulders at Hunk but otherwise didn’t seem to be bothered by being left by their leader. Pidge was already pulling Matt along by his sleeve and he wanted nothing more than to follow and relax after a nerve-wrecking battle that had costs the lives of many brave rebels… but he was stopped by the image of Keith, standing lost where Shiro had left him. Keith had often seemed unhappy, nervous around the Garrison.. but something seemed to be different right now. 

“You go without me, I have to do something, first.” 

Pidge raised an eyebrow, but shrugged her shoulders when Hunk and Lance called over to her. “Don’t take too long,” she told him. Matt watched her go before turning around to approach Keith. He’d love to spend more time with his sister and the other Paladins, but Keith was his friend, too, and he looked like he badly needed someone. Matt didn’t know how he got along with the others. He could imagine him clashing with Lance, but the others? They seemed pretty chill and approachable. Yet none of them had cared to involve Keith in their great hugging ceremony. He made a mental note to ask Pidge about that later, but for now, he had to focus. 

“Hey, Keith,” he cautiously said when he was only a few more steps away. It was the first time they saw each other face to face, without a screen between them, for a very long time, but Keith still looked the same. A bit more grown-up maybe with more prominent cheekbones, but otherwise? His hair was still a mess, like it used to back in the Garrison and his eyes were still sharp. 

“Hey,” Keith glanced up at him for a moment with the tiniest smile before looking back at the floor. 

Matt suddenly didn’t really know how to go on about this. “You… scared me, you know?”

“I’m.. sorry.” Keith sounded tired. 

“You were willing to make a great sacrifice.” Matt said evenly before taking a step closer and hugging Keith because.. someone really needed to hug him, right? He’d been ready to give his life for the sake of the team. For Pidge’s sake. And Matt _was_ thankful for that, but he also wanted to throttle him badly. Keith tensed in his arms, but it was something Matt was used to. He’d never melted against him, had never gone soft like he used to with Shiro. Still, he smiled when two arms carefully and loosely wrapped around his middle… but the way those arms were shaking made Matt’s heart sink. He’d been right in that something was clearly _wrong_. 

“How are you, Keith?” He pushed him away at arms lengths, trying to get a look at his face. But Keith angled away from him immediately. 

“I’m fine.” Keith had never been a good liar. His face was too open, too expressive for that even with just the glimpse Matt got at it, and he was a bad actor on top of that. 

“Come on.” Matt glanced at the paladins, who seemed positively content lounging and talking, and pulled Keith along and out of the room. Of course, Keith didn’t go willingly, but Matt just ignored his feeble attempts to pull away. 

“Matt, what… _where are you taking me_?” Keith’s voice had taken on a higher quality. 

“To my room.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not _fine_.” 

Why hadn’t Shiro caught up on Keith’s state? He was clearly troubled and needed something, some _one_. At the Garrison, Shiro had always been worried about Keith... Something between them was off, but right now, it didn’t matter. 

“Sit!” Matt pointed at his bed as soon as he’d closed the door to his room behind them. Keith slid down the wall he’d been leaning against until he sat on the floor, pulling his legs against his chest. _Well, at least he’s sitting,_ Matt thought with a sigh. Careful, as if not to startle a frightened animal, he approached and sat down next to him. 

“I said I’m fine.” He almost sounded petulant.

“Bullshit.” Matt looked at him a bit closer. Keith was pale and his black hair stuck to his face in some areas. “You almost died today.

”Wasn’t the first time.” Keith pulled his knees up and put his arms around them. 

“Don’t be so casual about it.”

“Do you want me to break down?” He almost sounded hostile. 

“No, but I don’t think you’re _fine_ and as a friend, I want to be there for you.”  
Keith didn’t acknowledge his words and just hugged his knees tighter. Matt assumed that continuing this line of conversation would probably get him nowhere, Keith would just shut him out and sit in silence. 

“So… you’re a Blade, huh?” At least, that got him a nod. “How do you even become a Blade? I thought they were kind of Galra-exclusive.”

“They are.”

Matt raised his eyebrow. “Wait.. does that mean.. but.. how?”

“I don’t know. Seems like my Mom or someone on her side of the family was Galra.”

“Wow…” Matt leaned his head back against the cold wall behind him. “That’s.. huge.” Again, the answer was silence. So this line turned out to be a dead end as well. Was that why Shiro had been that cold towards him? Matt didn’t think Shiro would be the kind of guy to judge a whole race on the actions of some, but then he’d been in prison and had fought in the arena for a long time. He did seem to work well with Kolivan, though…

“You.. used to be the Red Paladin, right? At least.. I mean.. they still call _you_ the Red Paladin on their shows.”

“Yes, but… not anymore. Lance is piloting Red now.” He played with his hands. 

“And Allura is piloting blue,” Matt concluded. 

Keith nodded. “They.. are a good team like this. They really do work together.”

“How did all this switching up happen?” 

“I was piloting Black when Shiro disappeared… So.. Red got vacant and when it chose Lance, Allura took Blue.”

Matt barked a surprised laugh. “You were the leader of Voltron?”

“Yes..” Keith huffed. “I sucked at it, though. I don’t know why Black chose me, to be honest. I  
was never meant to be a leader.”

“Are you kidding me? You totally were a leader when we fought against this ship, today.” Matt pat his shoulder with a reassuring smile. 

“Yeah.. it went pretty great. We were _really_ taking down those shields.”

There was an uneasy feeling in Matt’s stomach. This was dangerous territory. 

“Keith.. why?”

Keith took a deep breath next to him. “The mission is more important than me. I didn’t see another chance of destroying the shield.. I couldn’t let them die. They’re.. the universe needs them.

“Thank you for saving them..”

“I didn’t,” Keith breathed. “Remember? It was Lotor.”

“Remind me to thank him later for saving you, then.” Matt gave him a weak smile. “But it’s.. you were ready to sacrifice yourself. The others will agree on that.”

“They don’t need to know.” This one time, Keith looked at him. His lips were pressed into a thin line, his eyes burning. “They don’t need the distraction.” The last word was loaded with emotion, but Matt decided not to push too much. 

“Just.. talk to _someone_ , ok? It doesn’t have to be me. Maybe Shiro?” He asked cautiously. That at least got him a reaction from Keith. His shoulders slumped instantly, his hands, balled into tight fists, let loose.. Like Matt had drained all of his energy with the mention of just one name.

“Why did you leave Voltron?” Matt asked, party as a distraction, partly because he was really curious. 

“There’s no place for me here.” Keith sounded tired again. 

“Of course there is. They’re your friends.” Matt stared at him sideways. “ _We_ are your friends.”

“They don’t need me anymore.”

“Friendship isn’t a question of need, Keith.”  
Keith shrugged again. 

“Did.. something happen between you and Shiro?” Matt wanted to bite his tongue asking this question, but he _needed_ to know. 

“We… just don’t really talk anymore… since….,” Keith trailed off. “

“Since when?”

“Since I’ve been a shit leader… or… I don’t know.” 

“That doesn’t sound like Shiro.” Matt frowned. “Or.. something that would affect Shiro like that.” He was met by silence… again. Keith didn’t seem to want to give him something to work with. But at this time, Matt just couldn’t stop asking questions. 

“When he greeted you earlier he seemed kind of.. reserved. Did you have a fight or something?” 

“We’ve been doing nothing but fighting before I left. Which.. answers your earlier question, I guess. So you might understand why I’m not gonna talk about what happened today with him. It’s not like he doesn’t care, anyway.”

Matt let that statement sink in for a while. Whatever had happened between those two, it was hard to believe Shiro had stopped caring at all. 

“I don’t understand.” He frowned. “Ok, so you’ve been fighting but.. that’s all? I mean… I’ve seen you two together at the Garrison and it was clear that you..” Matt stumbled over his own words. If Shiro hadn’t talked to Keith, he shouldn’t be the one spilling the truth to him.  
“I mean..”

“That I have feelings for him?” Keith asked into the silence, his eyes closed. 

“Um.. yeah.. But.. I don’t know if you’ve talked about this? And it’s.. actually not my place to tell but.. it wasn’t one-sided.” Matt tried to catch his eyes as soon as he opened the, but Keith was staring straight ahead.

“I know. At least.. it wasn’t.”

Matt swallowed drily. So they _had_ talked about it. He knew a lot could happen during the course of a year but…  
“What.. _happened_?” He asked again in lieu of another, better question. 

Keith took a long, shuddering breath. “He broke up with me.”

“He..” Matt sputtered. “So you’ve been together?! For real? Like a couple?” His excitement almost let him spring to his feet. So Shiro had finally stopped being a coward! 

“I thought so, yes.” Keith’s voice was barely a whisper and Matt’s euphoria sobered immediately. 

_He broke up with me._

“But.. I don’t understand…” _What happened_

“I ruined it somehow.” 

“Keith..”

“I did. I did whatever I could but he still pushed me away.” Again, Keith pressed his eyes close. This time, though, Matt could see the suspicious scrunch of his nose, the twitching of his lips.. so he moved to sit next to him without staring at him again, sparing him the humiliation of crying in front of him. 

“I’m here,” he said quietly, waiting for Keith to catch himself and talk when he was ready. Once he started speaking again, Matt had already began to shiver against the coldness of the wall behind him. 

“We woke up together before the battle with Zarkon and everything was fine. Then, Shiro disappeared. When he came back, he broke up with me. He said that we needed to focus on Voltron. He told me we could get back together after all of this but I kept disappointing him by being a shit leader and he stopped listening to anything I said.. and..”

“I don’t know what happened to Shiro,” Matt said carefully. “But… I doubt he broke up with you because of anything you did. Seriously.. maybe… I don’t know. Maybe he wouldn’t burden you with what happened to him this time?” That _was_ something Shiro would do, right? “If you just give him some time…-“

“I _gave_ him time. I said I would wait, but it only made things worse. We only got into fights more often… and the rest of the time always backed him up.”

So Shiro leaving him wasn’t the only hurt Keith was caring. 

“Let me talk to him, ok? Maybe I can find out what’s wrong.”

“You can talk to him all you want but it won’t change a thing. And I don’t need you to clean up my mess.”

“I’m not intending you. Please.. just.. let me talk to him, ok? Wait here.”

“You want to talk to him, _now_.” Keith’s voice had taken on that higher quality again.

“ _Please_ just wait here.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Do you have a minute?”

Shiro looked up briefly from where he was reading on his tablet. “Yeah, sure. Just not too long. We still need to figure out a time and place to meet Lotor. What is it?”

Matt stepped into the room, the door behind him closing with a soft hissing sound. He was unsure of how to talk about this. Talking to Shiro had been on his to do-list for a while now but he wanted it to just be some catching up, not some serious ‘your ex-boyfriend is unhappy and he nearly died today. I really think he needs you’ kind of talk. Turns out he’d been to slow to do the former.

“I wanted to talk to you about Keith.”

“Keith?” Shiro seemed genuinely surprised. “What about him?”

“He... seemed a bit off today, don’t you think?” Maybe Shiro had caught on it himself. 

“I didn’t notice something strange. Is that all?” Shiro looked down at his tablet again. 

“That’s… all you have to say?” Matt blinked. This was a conversation straight out of another reality. “I’m really worried about him, Shiro.” 

Shiro sighed as he looked up again, putting his tablet down to the side. “And why is that, Matt? We had a tough battle. I guess he was just exhausted.”

“I don’t think that’s all there is.”

“Well, I’m sure Kolivan will take good care of it.”

“Kolivan…” Matt stared at him for a moment, open-mouthed. “Shiro, this is _Keith_ we’re talking about.”

“Yes. And Keith belongs to the Blade of Marmora, now.” 

“He’s still our friend.” _And the boy you’ve been in love with and pined after forever,_ he thought with a mixture of shock and bitterness. 

“He knows he can talk to us if he’s got a problem.” Shiro’s fingers wandered back to his tablet, but before he could grab it, Matt took an angry step closer.

“What’s wrong with you, man?” He had trouble not yelling at him. “You know Keith. You know he has trouble talking to people and... I thought you _cared_ about him.”

Shiro sighed again, as if this whole conversation was an unnecessary imposition. “I do. He’s a valuable member of the alliance.”

“He’s also your friend! You were in love with him!” He couldn’t believe how indifferent Shiro was about this. It was like talking to a completely different person.

Shiro raised his eyebrow quizzically. “I’m over it. Are you done now? I really need to figure this out.” He pointed at the tablet again. Matt wanted to rip them from his hands and slam it against a wall. What was wrong with Shiro? Did he really not care? Or was it just an act because he was hurt, too?

Matt took a deep breath, ready to take a different approach. “He told me you two have been together.”

“Together,” Shiro huffed. “Yes, like... for _one_ night. You’re interpreting way too much into that.”

“What do you mean for one night?” Matt faltered.

“What? Do you want all the naughty details now? How I fucked him until he screamed my name?”

That wasn't the way Shiro usually talked and the shock about his choice of words must have been clearly written on Matt’s face as he stared at him. Shiro didn't seem to notice, was suddenly too busy massaging his temples to look at him. He radiated a different energy, too. Quiet anger oozed from him in a way that was so threatening it made Matt suddenly want to flee the room. Thinking about Keith and what he’s gone through today forced himself to stay, though. 

“That can’t be true.” He tried to take on a calm voice again. “Shiro... you… You _loved_ him. What you just said doesn’t sound like you at all.” They’d planned out Shiro’s and Keith’s first date during the Kerberos mission. Shiro had talked about it for _hours_. Sure, the Galra had put him through a lot but Matt just couldn’t believe it had changed his entire personality. 

But Shiro just looked at him with a mixture of tiredness and irritation. “Look, Matt, we’re in a war and I can’t afford to run after Keith and coddle him. If he needs something, he knows where I am.” Shiro continued rubbing at his forehead, his eyebrows drawn together.  
It was on Matt to be angry, now. Keith was his friend, too, and he couldn’t believe that Shiro just didn’t seem to care. Maybe he just didn’t get the significance of Keith’s turmoil. 

“He almost killed himself today.” Matt knew that Keith wouldn’t approve of him telling Shiro, but he found himself out of other option. He just needed him to understand. 

And at least, it seemed to give Shiro pause. “…What?”

“Remember that shield we couldn’t penetrate? Well, Keith tried to penetrate it with his _ship_. He was ready to go full kamikaze. If Lotor hadn’t intervened in the last possible second.. he’d be dead.”

Shiro pressed his eyes close for a moment, staying otherwise completely still before, again, massaging his forehead. 

“That... would have been unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate?!” Matt hadn’t want to yell, but it was out before he could stop it. 

“Keith is an asset to this war. And a friend. It would have been terrible to lose him. But.. this is war, Matt. People die. It’s the way it is. I’m glad he’s alive, but he probably would have saved the galaxy with his sacrifice. He would have died a hero.”

It was too much. A part of Matt knew that Shiro’s words had some truth to it. Of course people died in war and yes, Keith would have probably saved the galaxy… but it was still a friend they were talking about and the way Shiro accessed the situation without any apparent emotional involvement was disturbing. Suddenly, there was not enough air in this room to fill his lungs. Shiro gave him a last look before finally grabbing his tablet and typing away on it. This conversation was over and Matt hated the way his vision began to swim at the thought of having lost a friend today. 

His feet carried him outside of the room before he’d even noticed he was moving, his mind blank when he walked down the corridor back to his own room.  
Relief won the fight over sadness when he found it empty. Keith had not waited for his return. And Matt was glad he didn’t have to tell him anything about what had just happened.

***

**III. In Shiro's room**

The pain in his head eased the moment Matt left the room. Who did he think he was marching in like this, accusing him of not caring for his team? He did. Keith just happened to not be in his team anymore. It had been Keith’s decision, not his. He was not to blame in this. 

What had happened between them was none of Matt’s business, anyway.  
He had a war to care about, a team to lead. He had Voltron. 

And Keith? He knew he’d had feelings for him, he just didn’t know why he had allowed himself to be so weak. And he hated that it wasn’t gone completely. Sometimes when he looked at Keith, there was a spark of _something_... something big, nourished over a long time. But it was caged and he only ever got a glimpse through the bars. 

The pain shot through his head again like a furious wave. With a hiss, he pressed his palms against his eyes… This happened a lot lately. Especially when his conflicted feelings about Keith came to mind. It shouldn’t affect him like this, it was simply ridiculous! The Galra were threatening to take over the entire universe once again. Zarkon was back. He had no idea how he’d survived their final fight, but he was back. And Lotor… 

Lotor had saved Keith. 

He groaned. It felt like someone tried to rip his skull apart with a chainsaw. The ringing in his ears became deafening and it grew only louder and louder as the pain swell.

…He’d almost lost him. 

It felt like a thousand needles were whirling inside his lungs with each breath he took. 

_Please, please, please, let this stop!_

Relief came as always. In a hot purple flash that went off like a bomb in his head, cleansing him of thoughts he didn’t mean to think. 

He took a shuddering breath as he carefully opened one eye. The pain was gone. 

_Good._

Voltron needed him at his full strengths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 Let me know what you think about it by yelling at me in the comment box or pressing this little kudos-hearty-thing, it really keeps me motivated :) The next part of this series will be posted, soon-ish

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! kudos and comments are very appreciated


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